The Road Not Taken by Kaisara Mohamad (First Chapter)

 

 1. 

 

"I can't control myself," Leya thought.  

One night she felt she wanted to kill someone because her heart was irreparably damaged, a brief  episode of intense anxiety, racing heartbeat. She was dazed and confused. Within minutes she was  sweating profusely. Her hands were shaking. She was not happy; 

Latheefa, her campus roommate looked at her very strangely. "Leya! are you okay?. Do you have  anxiety? All of a sudden, she seems distant. “I do not know” Leya panicked and hugged her  roommate tightly.  

“I am afraid that I am going insane. I don't want to die!". Leya began to cry. Latheefa calmed her friend.  

“I was insane staying in the room, Latheefa! I needed to get some fresh air." Leya cried again.  They were sitting on the bench in the compound. Leya poured her heart out in tears about what  was happening. She could no longer sleep at night and was shivering uncontrollably.  

The next day, her friends insisted that she went to the hospital for a checkup. At first, Leya hesitated,  but she slowly became persuaded by Latheefa after she persistently insisted her to go. They arrived at the hospital at six  in the evening. As the time went by,  people started to crowd the hospital corridors whilst they await their appointment. Leya went to get a queue number from a Take-A-Number Queue System at a service counter. She takes turns and waits patiently on a waiting room sofa and chair. Despite the pain, she realized that she wanted to kill herself. She tried to imagine what will it be like to die but failed to reach any conclusion.  In a short while, the '1027’ displayed on the screen. Her heart beats faster than before. “I got to go, she said to Latheefa. Her friends nodded.  

She stepped into the room. Senior doctor wearing glasses and politely “Have a seat!" “Thank you!” Leya uttered 

“How badly have you been feeling?” ‘Dr. Hassan’ nametag on his uniform. Doctor, I feel like I want to kill someone, hurt myself and intrusive thoughts constantly come into  my mind. Dr remained silent for some time while jotting down something on the medical record  book. 

Do you have a panic attack? Dr. Hassan asked again. 

Yes, I do, three times a week. She nodded her head discreetly. 

Are you willing to be admitted to a mental hospital for observation? 

“Hmm… I am willing to be admitted to the mental hospital.” Leya would not know where the  strengths come from since she wanted to save her life and others' life. 

“Alright, I requested a nurse to prepare a room for transfer," said Dr. Hassan. Eventually, a car has  been waiting for Leya outside the hospital buildings.  

Before Leya left the block, Leya saw her roommates standing on the corner, waving hands. Leya quickly stepped on the break and closer to Latheefa.  

“What’s the matter?” Latheefa said anxiously. 

Today I was supposed to be admitted to a mental ward, wasn't it?" She nodded while the tears  continued to fall. 

“Here, I don’t know,” she said empathically. Latheefa hugged Leya as a sign of affection. Leya got inside the car anyway. Scratching her head, she ran around the car, sat in the backseat.  “Don’t worry,” Latheefa said, "You are a strong girl, I promise.” 

Looking around the room with her eyes wide open, Leya didn't know if her admission to a mental  hospital was a great idea. Inside her mind, she wanted to save her mind and the people around her.  She is now in a mental ward that was once called an asylum. The driver has gone. It is like a prison  cell, a tough place of misery. Life in the psych ward just began. After a while, it all becomes  slightly surreal. The psychiatric ward was dark, Leya must changing her clothes to adhere to the  Dress Code Policy as a patient. All rules shall be abided by, items she brought like mobile phone,  make-up need to be kept by the nurse there. Patients are not allowed to wear hijab in the psychiatric  unit, as they grabbed the hijab attempting to choke with it if they had an intention to take their own  life.  

At the corner of the hospital ward, there are beds, no television, a white armchair, and curtains on  large windows with white wall background. She saw an older adult spend her time in bed alone.  Kak Faz was wearing a beanie, age about forty years old, I guessed. Suddenly, a grandmother turned and spoke with the voice of a petulant child, Kak Zia. She is having schizophrenia or hallucinations, delusions. She was waving her hand at me. I smiled while sitting down on the bed and overcome to talk myself out of my fear, but it only grew in darkness. In Leya’s heart, there was still a doubt. Leya was relieved when it was dinner, ate sugary biscuits with a plastic cup of tea, sitting while chew with her mouth shut, take small bites. Even remembering that she has a menses phase makes her feel sick. It was traumatic because she could not perform prayer. She went to the toilet right before bed.  

After that, she asks a nurse to get her pink journal. Through the journal, she read between the line  the quotes in column site. With her eyes wide open, she read, paced, and finally just lay down to  stare at the ceiling until nurses came into the room off and on all night to check on patients. Minutes  later, a nurse walked in with eszopiclone, that, she fell asleep. The nurse put her down in the bed  and covered her. 

Later in the day, Dr. Alif, a tall man with spectacles on, wearing a traditional knee-length white  lab coat doctor came in to help diagnosed possible health conditions. Unexpectedly, a woman  doctor was around.  

“You’re upset?" said the woman is known as Dr. Helena.  

Soon afterward, a voice coming out from the cell,  

Pakistani woman shouted as she struggled to escape, screamed loudly and angrily, "take it off,  blockhead!" Didn't you hear me!' she suddenly yelled once again. 'I want to speak to my husband!'  'Now, please, try to keep calm,' the nurse said soothingly. 'I understand what—' 'l ... 

She's five and a half months pregnant. She rarely smiles; indeed, I have seen her smile only once  or twice since admitted to the mental ward. Her husband came to visit her, nurses gossip nastily  about her husband's desire for a baby, not her mother. He is not allowed to meet her and his child  since her parents forbid him. In some parts, nurses having nasty gossip-related conversations about  patients. I often listen to the gossip about who's having an affair with whom, who's suffering from  what, how such and such a person was in tears about their children.  

“You don't seem mad at all," the doctor said to me.  

Leya played chess with a man doctor, where white always gets the first move while the opposing  sides are defined by black color. It was just like a movie scene in Queen’s Gambit starring Anya Josephine Marie Taylor-Joy.  

“I' will be as honest and transparent as possible. I missing someone instead couldn't reach anymore.  We used to have a conversation together. I'm just frustrated right now. It was so sad to see he left me now. Since I was young, there has always been a struggle between my parents and me. This  situation began when my family pushed away, having financial problems are a leading cause.”  Leya explained 

How's your study? Do you have any hobbies? Dr. Helena interrogated 

My studies are going well. Yes, I do 

“A flow of negative thoughts through my mind went from being a bulimic, self-hating, and  disillusioned. "Leya explained 

“If you feel like you want to cry, cry. It will make you feel better afterward.” Dr suggested. “I miss my mom; I want to call my mom.” Leya cried out in pain 

Female doctor looking away with a thoughtful look on her face while sitting on her chair.  “You know, you're not allowed to use mobiles in hospital.” Dr. Helena replied Leya feels like her heart is going to explode because she misses her mom. Her heart creates intense  physical sensations like hurt, after all.  

During leisure, she went to the park, the park outside the mental ward. It was the sanctuary of her soul in those challenging days. There was a mural painting on a wall, is like a bird in the forest. She was dreaming she was in the forest freely. Her mind and soul are free. Suddenly, "Hello Miss  Leya! My name is Mira. I am the psychiatrist who is part of your medical team, and I am here to  ask you about why you are here and what drives you here." Dr. Mira requested. She's a small  doctor wearing a pink hijab with a medical book record on her left hand with a pen in her right  hand.  

Leya agreed to this interview to discuss her wellbeing.  

After 15 minutes later, 

“I've been interrogating for a long time now.” Leya was perplexed she felt uncomfortable.  However, the doctor has started to make her feel like a prisoner in her own home. She felt like  something uneasy. Another young doctor came, she refused to be interviewed by anyone again.  “I need some space. Thank you!" Leya said 

It’s been four days, it was the first miserable place she had ever been, and it made her a little  homesick. She starts uncontrollably shake and trembling her hands. During her time in the mental  ward, she has lost weight declining to 45kg. She realized she was hungry since she lost her appetite. 

The night before, Kak Ziah, told a story about a thick black smoke fill a house and a house caught  on fire. Kak Ziah screams out loud and appears to talk to herself as she responds to voices. She  overthinks everything, Leya rewinds everything that went on in the past. “What if this hospital  caught on fire”? Arghhhhhhh …” Leya screamed, intrusive thoughts popping into her head. The  doctor called today to diagnosed if her condition had improved with the medication. A week  passed, she looked forward to her mother picks her up after working hours around nine, as her  mother will bring her home tonight.  

Leya was playing badminton and meditation, has been a while, she holds Yonex's badminton  racket while smashing makes her heartbeat like a drum. She feels comfortable in her skin. The  rapid movements, jumps, smashes, and crunches while playing badminton release endorphins. Unanticipatedly, she suffered terrible panic attacks. Leya felt dizzy, lightheaded, and nauseous.  Her vision was blurry, her hands shaking and trembling. The nurse came and took her so that she  could get some rest. The nurse looked at Leya, "You go and get some rest yourself while you can.  See you tonight!"  

New patient coming into the ward, Joe a bit of a tomboy. Her hair has been cut drastically short,  area of the bruise spreads down the body. The nurse found cigarettes in her pockets. Joe waved  and smiled at me. I was eating, and the empty plates were my votes, my last meal, as early as  seven. Finally, I got discharged from the mental ward as my mom picked me up and brought me  home. The doctor advised five days of sick leave provided that I must attend follow-up  appointments. 

That early morning, we finally arrived home slept tiredly. The drum beats in Leya's empty soul  made her scared. She had disjointed dreams last night. After she went out of the mental ward, she  spent most of her time outdoors and spent time in nature. Every time Leya got a problem, tears  welled from deep inside and coursed down her cheek while doing meditation. When she barely  sleeps, she will spend her time worshiping God. Before sleep, she will take alprazolam (brand Xanax).  In the end, she is getting better day by day, no longer dependent on medication since she has  received pieces of advice from the doctor 

about medication errors. The medicines that once worked wonders become ineffective if she had  taken them for a long time. The doctor may need to increase the dose if necessary. For Leya, she has found herself after suffering and endurance under anxiety disorder. She always  spends a few minutes every morning reading, even spoke these words to herself every day. 

I am the best  

Today is my day 

Today, I choose to be happy 

It is an affirmation word. When these affirmations are constantly repeated over and over again,  they begin to take charge of her thoughts. Slowly it will be changing her pattern of thinking and  ultimately changing Leya's life. As she watched old videos and memories, she deleted whatever  was bad then moved on to her evening, practicing mindfulness by watching yoga through Youtube.  She focused straight ahead, painful memories bombarding her, to see what was on the other side,  even if it brought up memories she wanted to forget. 

It's not worth the pain — he's not worth the pain. “I should be worth far more than that.” Leya  convinced herself. She made him her priority, started loving others more than loving herself.  Beyond making new friends after the incident, like the other first days in her life, in her first day,  she has changed completely. This girl started loving herself, came the sound of her feet descending  the steps.  

Leya! 

"Where have you been? She took a deep breath that hissed like steam escaping from a kettle, then  she smiled.